Melt Down

I've wanted to write for a while but just didn't have words. The last few weeks have been difficult. I am exhausted emotionally and spiritually and today I LOST IT. This Sunday is the memorial for Brian, our friend who was killed overseas. I had resigned myself to the fact that we couldn't go. But then I found out that Asher, the oldest son of some dear friends of ours, is getting baptized on Sunday. And just for a few minutes, I allowed myself to hope. I thought "Maybe, maybe we can work it out..."

It was Drew who brought me back to reality. Kindly, but still, reality hurts. I was furious, and he was the object of my wrath. I didn't say anything, but as I icily stormed around the house, he knew. I have lots of flaws, but it is rare for me to get really, really angry. All of the grief and pain I have been feeling being away from home finally exploded, first in a fit of anger, and then in extreme sadness. I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes and bawling. More than anything, I want to be with my church family in Harrisonburg on Sunday. And it's just not possible. And as I stood at my sink crying as I haven't in a while, I looked and saw that this is just the beginning. We, most likely, have years ahead of us of missing things. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals, babies being born. And all the people we love are likely to miss significant events in our life. And today that just felt like too much to bear.

God has been leading us in the direction of overseas missions for a long time. We are excited to go, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. But as we move forward and life overseas becomes a real possibility, I am beginning to become aware of the cost. Today I felt not only the disappointment of not getting to be there for Asher and missing Brian's memorial, but also the gravity of a future life lived far away from family and friends.

As I think about Brian's family, the cost of my future does not seem so great. I know that they have told others that God is worthy of the precious gift of their son's life. He is also worthy of my moving far away from all I know and making my home in a different part of the world. He is worthy of me missing those sweet moments with my church family on Sunday so I can be in St. Louis with my husband preparing for school to start. My heart will probably still be heavy this weekend, but hopefully that will prompt me to prayer for sweet Asher and for everyone who is mourning Brian's death, especially his family.

And, for all who were wondering, yes, I did repent to Drew, and yes we made up:) It is a good thing to have a gracious husband.

Another St. Louis Gem

As stated before, I am trying to appreciate and take advantage of all the cool things about St. Louis while I can. I should have a lot of opportunities this weekend when Suzanne visits. We will be checking out the Art Museum (free!) or the Botanical Gardens. But, what I really wanted to write about is St. Louis Restaurant Week. Throughout the course of the year, different areas in St. Louis (downtown, clayton, ect.) will have "Restaurant Week." During this week, really pricey, fancy restaurants in that part of the city offer $25 dollar tasting menus (usually 3-5 courses.) It is a pretty good deal and an opportunity to get a really nice meal for much less than you would usually pay. Anyway, Downtown Restaurant week is August 23-29, and Drew and I are psyched!

Loss and the Kingdom of God

I've been thinking recently about how loss (at least in this life) is part of life in God's Kingdom. He gives us such sweet friendships, deep love and affection for one another, but he also sends us out into the world. He does not call us to be comfortable in our relationships, but challenges us to pull others into the web of love and joy that we share with one another. It isn't always safe or easy to be part of God's kingdom coming on this earth. Often it is painful. But hope tells us a day is coming where there will be no more partings, no more goodbyes, no more loss.

We experienced loss in an unexpected way today when we found out an old friend was one of the 10 volunteers killed in overseas this week. You've probably heard the story on the news. We had lost touch in recent years, but he was a dear Christian brother and we have a lot of fond memories of him. Many of our VA friends were close to him and are reeling from the loss right now. He knew the risks involved but still chose to go, seeking to bring restoration, healing, and blessing to a very broken part of the world.

On days like today I am especially grateful that a day is coming when there will be no more mourning or sadness or death or pain. We will be together with God forever as part of his family. No more goodbyes. No more death. Only life and joy and beauty. All that is wrong will be made right, and death will be swallowed up by life. I long for that day.

Thinking of and praying especially for our friend's family, and for all who were touched by his life.

Music Camp, Part Two

Well, we may have created a monster. 13 little monsters to be specific. After playing their drum set, we taught the kids to raise their drumsticks in the air and shout "Thank you very much. Goodnight!" in what I think is supposed to be a British rock star accent. I really knew they were getting in touch with their inner rock stars when they kept demanding breaks during singing practice.

Musicians can be so temperamental.

Music Camp

Tonight kicked off a week long music camp that our church, Crossroads Presbyterian, puts on every year. I'm helping out with the camp as a group leader for the 7 and 8 year olds. Personally, I think "group leader" is the sweetest volunteer job, because you basically just get to hang out with kids the whole time and lead them from one station to the next. I've done lots of vbs type things before, but never a music camp. Tonight we learned about the Hammer Dulcimer (which is an awesome instrument, by the way,) played on drums made from large Lowe's buckets, and sang together as a choir. The kids loved it. My favorite moment was an interaction I had with one of my little charges, Morgan:

Morgan: "I like to sing sometimes when I'm alone. I get nervous when I sing in front of people....I was in a play."

Me: "Did you sing in your play?"

Morgan: "Yes. I had to kiss a baby doll and I got embarrassed."

Me: "And that is why you get nervous when you sing?"

Morgan: "Yes."

Me: "I bet you have a beautiful voice, though, and that it makes people happy when you sing."

Morgan: "I do have a beautiful voice. That's why I like to sing by myself. I always sound great when I sing by myself."

So true, Morgan. I also sound awesome when I sing by myself.

The Hills Are Alive....

On the whole, I would say that my experience living in St. Louis has only increased my loyalty to the great state of Virginia. I am convinced that the Shenandoah Valley is the best and most beautiful place to live in the United States. Some of that might have to do with the fact that so many people I love live there, but the mountains sure don't hurt. Being away has made me realize how much VA truly is home, relationally and geographically.

In spite of all this, St. Louis has its perks. One perk I had heard tell of before and experienced first hand this evening is The Muny. The Muny is an outdoor theater located in Forest Park (another perk- awesome park with a free zoo, among other things). They put on seven plays that run one week each every season. As you may have guessed from the title of my entry, tonight I went to see The Sound of Music. It was wonderful!! The leads all have been on Broadway, and they were incredible. If you get there early enough, there are free seats, or if you like to roll in right before the show, you can buy a $9.00 ticket and still get a pretty decent seat to a Broadway quality production. Sure beats paying $10.50 to go to the movies!

Let's Try This Again...

Clearly I am not great at this blogging thing. I forgot the name of my blog and did not know how to find it to post again, and then magically rediscovered it a few days ago. I am not very technologically inclined and if you read this then you are probably really committed to knowing what's going on with Drew and me, because I have not yet reached a level of sophistication to do anything snazzy like take pictures and post them (yes, in my world, that is snazzy). Sorry! Maybe when we have kids...

If you had told me when I posted a year ago where we would be today, I would have laughed in your face. So much has happened in a year! Drew is switching from the MDIV to a Master of Arts in Educational Ministries, which means that both of us will graduate in May of 2011. Crazy. When we arrived in St. Louis we expected to be here for four years, and it is wild to think we will be leaving so soon. We really have made some wonderful friends here, and we will be very sad to leave them in a little less than a year.

Once we graduate we hope to return to the Land of Milk and Honey (that glorious commonwealth that is Virginia) and start raising support to go overseas with World Harvest Mission. It may surprise some of you who we have not kept up with much that we are actually hoping to join a team in Camden Town, London. Camden Town is something of a hub for people on the fridges of mainstream society. I visited for a day the summer I lived in London, but to be honest I don't remember too much about it- except that the markets were really cool. Our hope is to go and live life with the people of Camden Town, build meaningful relationships there, participate in community life, and to be a blessing to them as a response to God's graciously blessing us in Christ and making us his very own children. We want to love people whom Christians often despise, hurt, and reject, and to share the gospel through both our words our lives. We have talked some with the Camden team leader and hope to meet him in person later this year. After that meeting we will probably try to plan a trip to Camden sometime in the Spring or early Summer. We are very excited about this possibility and trust that God will continue to lead us as we try to determine where we are called.

That kind of covers a big picture update. I will try to post more often with tidbits about our life here in STL...