I know it has been a while. So much has happened since we started school a month and a half ago. I've wanted to write but have not known what to say or where to begin.

The last few months have been difficult. We decided on some big changes that will have us graduating much sooner than anticipated. As we've moved closer to the mission field, we have felt an increase in what Drew likes to call "spiritual oppression." We lost a friend at the end of the summer. After a summer with little to do, we struggled to adjust to the fast pace of school. I've been dealing with various health problems, including severe anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety at times has put strain on our marriage, and treatment has put strain on our finances. A recent tragedy has left us reeling with grief and processing the brokenness in our family.

In the last few weeks we have often felt overwhelmed by life and ready to give up. We struggle to be motivated in our school work- my prayer for the semester has been that God will just help us pass our classes. That might be a bit dramatic, but with each new assignment I fight a huge emotional battle and sometimes think, "Do I really need to graduate from seminary?"
Recently I have felt very discouraged, and have been wondering why I ever thought God might be calling me to missions. I feel weak and ill equipped and am struggling to believe the gospel myself sometimes. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and often feel I have little to give. It is easy for me to believe lies and difficult to hold on to what is true.

Still, in the midst of it all, God has been good to us. He continues to provide for us in so many ways, and we never lack for anything. He has blessed us with wonderful friends and a great support system, both here in St. Louis and back in VA. He gives encouragement and peace at just the right moments, and somehow he keeps us going and clinging to him. Probably because he never stops holding on to us, and is near even when we can't feel him.

Still, as you think of it, will you pray for us?

This one goes out to my girl, Margaret!

Dear Mags,


I miss you so much! Almost every day this week something has happened that made me think, "I wish Margaret was here for this!" Tonight Drew and I discovered "Dating in the Dark," which made us think of your obsession with "Next," and how you used to shout "NEEEXT!" in that Margaret way. We laughed really hard and again, wished you were here!!!

Your friend,

Emily Elizabeth Ward Massengill, a.k.a "schmempants"

Melt Down

I've wanted to write for a while but just didn't have words. The last few weeks have been difficult. I am exhausted emotionally and spiritually and today I LOST IT. This Sunday is the memorial for Brian, our friend who was killed overseas. I had resigned myself to the fact that we couldn't go. But then I found out that Asher, the oldest son of some dear friends of ours, is getting baptized on Sunday. And just for a few minutes, I allowed myself to hope. I thought "Maybe, maybe we can work it out..."

It was Drew who brought me back to reality. Kindly, but still, reality hurts. I was furious, and he was the object of my wrath. I didn't say anything, but as I icily stormed around the house, he knew. I have lots of flaws, but it is rare for me to get really, really angry. All of the grief and pain I have been feeling being away from home finally exploded, first in a fit of anger, and then in extreme sadness. I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes and bawling. More than anything, I want to be with my church family in Harrisonburg on Sunday. And it's just not possible. And as I stood at my sink crying as I haven't in a while, I looked and saw that this is just the beginning. We, most likely, have years ahead of us of missing things. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals, babies being born. And all the people we love are likely to miss significant events in our life. And today that just felt like too much to bear.

God has been leading us in the direction of overseas missions for a long time. We are excited to go, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. But as we move forward and life overseas becomes a real possibility, I am beginning to become aware of the cost. Today I felt not only the disappointment of not getting to be there for Asher and missing Brian's memorial, but also the gravity of a future life lived far away from family and friends.

As I think about Brian's family, the cost of my future does not seem so great. I know that they have told others that God is worthy of the precious gift of their son's life. He is also worthy of my moving far away from all I know and making my home in a different part of the world. He is worthy of me missing those sweet moments with my church family on Sunday so I can be in St. Louis with my husband preparing for school to start. My heart will probably still be heavy this weekend, but hopefully that will prompt me to prayer for sweet Asher and for everyone who is mourning Brian's death, especially his family.

And, for all who were wondering, yes, I did repent to Drew, and yes we made up:) It is a good thing to have a gracious husband.

Another St. Louis Gem

As stated before, I am trying to appreciate and take advantage of all the cool things about St. Louis while I can. I should have a lot of opportunities this weekend when Suzanne visits. We will be checking out the Art Museum (free!) or the Botanical Gardens. But, what I really wanted to write about is St. Louis Restaurant Week. Throughout the course of the year, different areas in St. Louis (downtown, clayton, ect.) will have "Restaurant Week." During this week, really pricey, fancy restaurants in that part of the city offer $25 dollar tasting menus (usually 3-5 courses.) It is a pretty good deal and an opportunity to get a really nice meal for much less than you would usually pay. Anyway, Downtown Restaurant week is August 23-29, and Drew and I are psyched!

Loss and the Kingdom of God

I've been thinking recently about how loss (at least in this life) is part of life in God's Kingdom. He gives us such sweet friendships, deep love and affection for one another, but he also sends us out into the world. He does not call us to be comfortable in our relationships, but challenges us to pull others into the web of love and joy that we share with one another. It isn't always safe or easy to be part of God's kingdom coming on this earth. Often it is painful. But hope tells us a day is coming where there will be no more partings, no more goodbyes, no more loss.

We experienced loss in an unexpected way today when we found out an old friend was one of the 10 volunteers killed in overseas this week. You've probably heard the story on the news. We had lost touch in recent years, but he was a dear Christian brother and we have a lot of fond memories of him. Many of our VA friends were close to him and are reeling from the loss right now. He knew the risks involved but still chose to go, seeking to bring restoration, healing, and blessing to a very broken part of the world.

On days like today I am especially grateful that a day is coming when there will be no more mourning or sadness or death or pain. We will be together with God forever as part of his family. No more goodbyes. No more death. Only life and joy and beauty. All that is wrong will be made right, and death will be swallowed up by life. I long for that day.

Thinking of and praying especially for our friend's family, and for all who were touched by his life.

Music Camp, Part Two

Well, we may have created a monster. 13 little monsters to be specific. After playing their drum set, we taught the kids to raise their drumsticks in the air and shout "Thank you very much. Goodnight!" in what I think is supposed to be a British rock star accent. I really knew they were getting in touch with their inner rock stars when they kept demanding breaks during singing practice.

Musicians can be so temperamental.

Music Camp

Tonight kicked off a week long music camp that our church, Crossroads Presbyterian, puts on every year. I'm helping out with the camp as a group leader for the 7 and 8 year olds. Personally, I think "group leader" is the sweetest volunteer job, because you basically just get to hang out with kids the whole time and lead them from one station to the next. I've done lots of vbs type things before, but never a music camp. Tonight we learned about the Hammer Dulcimer (which is an awesome instrument, by the way,) played on drums made from large Lowe's buckets, and sang together as a choir. The kids loved it. My favorite moment was an interaction I had with one of my little charges, Morgan:

Morgan: "I like to sing sometimes when I'm alone. I get nervous when I sing in front of people....I was in a play."

Me: "Did you sing in your play?"

Morgan: "Yes. I had to kiss a baby doll and I got embarrassed."

Me: "And that is why you get nervous when you sing?"

Morgan: "Yes."

Me: "I bet you have a beautiful voice, though, and that it makes people happy when you sing."

Morgan: "I do have a beautiful voice. That's why I like to sing by myself. I always sound great when I sing by myself."

So true, Morgan. I also sound awesome when I sing by myself.