As a PK, I spent a lot of time at church growing up. Countless hours of Sunday School, Children's Church, ect. By God's grace I started walking with Christ at a fairly young age, so I have also spent lots of time studying the Word personally, in Bible studies, through sermons, ect. Now I have the privilege of studying at Seminary. People often comment on how well I "know" the Scriptures.
But here's the thing. Even though I know a lot about God and his grace in my head, I struggle all the time to believe and live like the gospel is true. There are many people who "know" less than me but have much greater joy because they live life depending on God and his grace rather than their own performance. My earnest desire is that somehow all the wonderful things I know will begin to penetrate my heart and change the way I live. Won't you pray that the Holy Spirit will press the glorious truths of the gospel deep into my heart, and that I will actually believe that God loves me?
All this to say, for any of you who are intimidated by Seminary graduates: Don't be. Knowing something and living it out are not the same thing...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I know it has been a while. So much has happened since we started school a month and a half ago. I've wanted to write but have not known what to say or where to begin.
The last few months have been difficult. We decided on some big changes that will have us graduating much sooner than anticipated. As we've moved closer to the mission field, we have felt an increase in what Drew likes to call "spiritual oppression." We lost a friend at the end of the summer. After a summer with little to do, we struggled to adjust to the fast pace of school. I've been dealing with various health problems, including severe anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety at times has put strain on our marriage, and treatment has put strain on our finances. A recent tragedy has left us reeling with grief and processing the brokenness in our family.
In the last few weeks we have often felt overwhelmed by life and ready to give up. We struggle to be motivated in our school work- my prayer for the semester has been that God will just help us pass our classes. That might be a bit dramatic, but with each new assignment I fight a huge emotional battle and sometimes think, "Do I really need to graduate from seminary?"
Recently I have felt very discouraged, and have been wondering why I ever thought God might be calling me to missions. I feel weak and ill equipped and am struggling to believe the gospel myself sometimes. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and often feel I have little to give. It is easy for me to believe lies and difficult to hold on to what is true.
Still, in the midst of it all, God has been good to us. He continues to provide for us in so many ways, and we never lack for anything. He has blessed us with wonderful friends and a great support system, both here in St. Louis and back in VA. He gives encouragement and peace at just the right moments, and somehow he keeps us going and clinging to him. Probably because he never stops holding on to us, and is near even when we can't feel him.
Still, as you think of it, will you pray for us?
The last few months have been difficult. We decided on some big changes that will have us graduating much sooner than anticipated. As we've moved closer to the mission field, we have felt an increase in what Drew likes to call "spiritual oppression." We lost a friend at the end of the summer. After a summer with little to do, we struggled to adjust to the fast pace of school. I've been dealing with various health problems, including severe anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety at times has put strain on our marriage, and treatment has put strain on our finances. A recent tragedy has left us reeling with grief and processing the brokenness in our family.
In the last few weeks we have often felt overwhelmed by life and ready to give up. We struggle to be motivated in our school work- my prayer for the semester has been that God will just help us pass our classes. That might be a bit dramatic, but with each new assignment I fight a huge emotional battle and sometimes think, "Do I really need to graduate from seminary?"
Recently I have felt very discouraged, and have been wondering why I ever thought God might be calling me to missions. I feel weak and ill equipped and am struggling to believe the gospel myself sometimes. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and often feel I have little to give. It is easy for me to believe lies and difficult to hold on to what is true.
Still, in the midst of it all, God has been good to us. He continues to provide for us in so many ways, and we never lack for anything. He has blessed us with wonderful friends and a great support system, both here in St. Louis and back in VA. He gives encouragement and peace at just the right moments, and somehow he keeps us going and clinging to him. Probably because he never stops holding on to us, and is near even when we can't feel him.
Still, as you think of it, will you pray for us?
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