The End of the Semester

I begin every semester at seminary with renewed vigor, promising myself that this time, come exams, things will be different. I will be ready. Our house will remain clean, and will be a haven in the midst of a stressful time. And every semester, I am WRONG.

The end of the semester always seems to sneak up on me. We have a lovely Thanksgiving and then BAM! Insanity in sues. We are behind on schoolwork and scrambling to meet deadlines. We eat more fast food in one week than the rest of the semester combined. This is due, in large part, to the ever growing pile of dishes that we would have to tackle in order to cook something (we don't have a dishwasher, so there is no quick fix.) Yes, like a disease they have spread from the kitchen sink to the kitchen counter, and have even found a way to the kitchen table and other random spots in our apartment. We even found mold growing in a chili pot we had neglected to clean for several days. Disgusting. I am not sure why our apartment doesn't smell awful, or maybe it does and I have become immune to it. The worst part of it all is that this is the beginning of Advent, one of my favorite times of the year, and I have not yet been able to enjoy it, or to stop and reflect on the coming of the Savior. And it is tough to decorate one's house for Christmas when it is, well, a pigsty!

Lest I start to feel too sorry for myself, the good news is that the end is in sight. I will tackle the massive amounts of dishes today, though I am wondering if I need some sort of protective gear to do so. I will take some time to stop and reflect, journal and read my Bible for the first time in a week. Our assignments will get done and things will work out. And maybe, just maybe, next semester I will be ready. Or you may be reading a post quite similar to this one come May. Only time will tell.

Thanksgiving

There is so much I could say on this day of giving thanks. I am continually astounded by the Lord's faithfulness and care.

Today we celebrate Thanksgiving away from our family and our usual traditions. Though I miss spending Thanksgiving with extended family and seeing all my sweet cousins, I still find myself full of joy today.

When we came to Seminary, we had no idea that we would only be here for two years. Our experience could have been so different than it has been. It could have been very lonely. I know Seminary is lonely for a lot of people, and that sometimes it takes 1-2 years to begin to feel established. The Lord blessed us by allowing us to develop friendships quickly, and to get plugged into a church body within a few months. Come May, there will be so many people we are sad to leave. As we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving with dear friends who are also away from home, I am so grateful for the way God has worked things out, for his fingerprints all over our time in St. Louis.

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!

Serve the LORD with gladness!

Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the LORD, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his,

we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

and his courts with praise!

Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the LORD is good;

his steadfast love endures forever,

and his faithfulness to all generations.

Trip!!

Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for our trip! We really appreciate your prayers and are glad to report it was amazing!

We flew into Charlottesville on Friday and were able to celebrate my birthday a little early with my parents, and with Suzanne, Jeff, Evan, and Anna, who drove up to C'ville to surprise me. It was great having the whole family together and I was really touched that they thought of me and had been planning the whole thing for weeks.

On Saturday we drove to Harrisonburg to pick up Rob and Rebecca. After grabbing lunch at Jack Brown's, we piled into my mom's car and made our way to our hotel in Silver Spring, compliments of Suzanne. The hotel was lovely- we even had king beds in our rooms, which was a super fun surprise. It was close to the metro, so we were able to spend the evening in our nation's capital. We had an incredibly yummy dinner at Founding Farmers, a restaurant that uses fresh, local ingredients and is a favorite date spot for President and Mrs. Obama. I highly recommend it if you are ever in D.C.

After dinner we headed to what was supposed to be a free art show at House of Sweden (a.k.a. The Swedish embassy). Turns out it was not a free show at all, but an exclusive party with a list! What one could do for free was look at the picture display in the doorway, and gaze longingly inside at the swanky party. As tempting as that was, we decided to go make our fun elsewhere! We found a hip little cupcake and coffee bar called "baked and wired." I enjoyed an apple spice cupcake with cinnamon butter cream frosting. YUM! By the time we were done at baked and wired it was after 9:00 and we were cold from walking, so we made our way back to the hotel and spent some lovely time talking before bed.

Before meeting Dan on Sunday we went to visit my Granny. It had been almost two years since I had seen her, so some quality time was much overdue. We had brunch at the community where she lives and then went back to her apartment. I had not seen her new place, but was glad to see that it was decorated with many of the pictures and special touches I remember from childhood.

We left Granny's around 1:30 for our big meeting with Dan. We were all excited and a bit nervous- so much prayer, planning, and dreaming led up to this one day. We truly had a wonderful time with Dan! He did a great job guiding our time in a way that was comfortable and laid back, but purposeful. We spent at least two hours just all getting to know each other. He asked about what books and movies we like, how we met and got engaged to our spouses, and what God has been teaching us recently- and he also shared about all these things. We were able to be open with one another during this time, and prayed for each other afterwards. It felt like being with an old, dear friend.

We talked a bit about Camden Town, but it was getting close to dinner and we were all feeling a bit rushed. Dan solved this problem by graciously inviting us to a dinner at his in-laws' house where he would be sharing more with some people about Camden Town and what Lysan Church is doing there. We felt honored to be included in this time, and it was great to meet Somer's parents and some supporters of the Camden Team. The more we heard about Camden Town and the people there, the more excited we felt to be a part of what God is doing there. In so many ways it seems like a great fit for us and the Mussers, and we are ecstatic to continue to pursue this possibility. We are also glad to report that we heard from Dan a few days after our time together, and have all been invited to come to Camden Town for a field visit. We will likely be going mid-March and are so excited to see Camden Town in person and to meet the rest of the team!! I will give more details once I have them- just know that this is an important next step in the application process to be WHM missionaries.

Thanks again to all who have been praying for us. I really did feel God's hand in this trip, and his presence throughout, particularly in our time with Dan and the Mussers. We continue to be amazed at His goodness!

Update

I thought it might be nice to give an update. I posted a few weeks back about how difficult this semester has been for us. Thank you to all who have prayed and thought of us since then.

On the whole, we are doing much better. I feel like I turned a corner this week with my anxiety. I've felt more like myself emotionally than I have in a long time. I am beginning to regain my excitement for life, and have been reminded of God's goodness and care both through his Word and through the many who have loved us well during this time.

In terms of school, though still struggling with motivation, we are hanging in there. We certainly do need prayer from all of you and help from the Lord, as it is getting to be that stressful time of the semester when lots of things are due. One thing that has been tough is that I have been sick off and on all semester. I can't seem to stay healthy for more than two weeks at a time. I've actually just come down with another nasty cold. I am hoping it will go away quickly- normally these colds last me about two weeks.

The main reason I am hoping this cold will go away quickly is that we are taking a big trip next weekend! We will fly into Charlottesville and stay a night with my parents, and then drive to Harrisonburg to meet Rob and Becca. All four of us will drive together to Silver Spring, MD to stay in hotel rooms that have been graciously provided for us by Suzanne, Drew's Mom. We are planning to take the metro into D.C. on Saturday night to enjoy the city. Then on Sunday we will get to spend some time with Dan, the man who leads the World Harvest team we are all trying to join. This is an important next step, so we are very excited and hoping that this meeting will be an encouragement to all and will continue to provide clarity about where God is leading us.

Phantom Toilet Clogger

Warning: Angie, you may not like this post! Sorry!

I am convinced that there is a phantom toilet clogger who likes to use all the same stalls as me in the women's restroom. Yes, it is true, in several bathrooms on campus I have a particular stall that I prefer. Well, so does the phantom pooper. Seriously, at least once a week I find each of these stalls clogged. So, phantom pooper, whoever you are, please start carrying a plunger, or at least have the decency to let maintenance know when you wreak havoc in the women's restroom.

Knowing something and living it are not the same thing...

As a PK, I spent a lot of time at church growing up. Countless hours of Sunday School, Children's Church, ect. By God's grace I started walking with Christ at a fairly young age, so I have also spent lots of time studying the Word personally, in Bible studies, through sermons, ect. Now I have the privilege of studying at Seminary. People often comment on how well I "know" the Scriptures.

But here's the thing. Even though I know a lot about God and his grace in my head, I struggle all the time to believe and live like the gospel is true. There are many people who "know" less than me but have much greater joy because they live life depending on God and his grace rather than their own performance. My earnest desire is that somehow all the wonderful things I know will begin to penetrate my heart and change the way I live. Won't you pray that the Holy Spirit will press the glorious truths of the gospel deep into my heart, and that I will actually believe that God loves me?

All this to say, for any of you who are intimidated by Seminary graduates: Don't be. Knowing something and living it out are not the same thing...

I know it has been a while. So much has happened since we started school a month and a half ago. I've wanted to write but have not known what to say or where to begin.

The last few months have been difficult. We decided on some big changes that will have us graduating much sooner than anticipated. As we've moved closer to the mission field, we have felt an increase in what Drew likes to call "spiritual oppression." We lost a friend at the end of the summer. After a summer with little to do, we struggled to adjust to the fast pace of school. I've been dealing with various health problems, including severe anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety at times has put strain on our marriage, and treatment has put strain on our finances. A recent tragedy has left us reeling with grief and processing the brokenness in our family.

In the last few weeks we have often felt overwhelmed by life and ready to give up. We struggle to be motivated in our school work- my prayer for the semester has been that God will just help us pass our classes. That might be a bit dramatic, but with each new assignment I fight a huge emotional battle and sometimes think, "Do I really need to graduate from seminary?"
Recently I have felt very discouraged, and have been wondering why I ever thought God might be calling me to missions. I feel weak and ill equipped and am struggling to believe the gospel myself sometimes. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted and often feel I have little to give. It is easy for me to believe lies and difficult to hold on to what is true.

Still, in the midst of it all, God has been good to us. He continues to provide for us in so many ways, and we never lack for anything. He has blessed us with wonderful friends and a great support system, both here in St. Louis and back in VA. He gives encouragement and peace at just the right moments, and somehow he keeps us going and clinging to him. Probably because he never stops holding on to us, and is near even when we can't feel him.

Still, as you think of it, will you pray for us?

This one goes out to my girl, Margaret!

Dear Mags,


I miss you so much! Almost every day this week something has happened that made me think, "I wish Margaret was here for this!" Tonight Drew and I discovered "Dating in the Dark," which made us think of your obsession with "Next," and how you used to shout "NEEEXT!" in that Margaret way. We laughed really hard and again, wished you were here!!!

Your friend,

Emily Elizabeth Ward Massengill, a.k.a "schmempants"

Melt Down

I've wanted to write for a while but just didn't have words. The last few weeks have been difficult. I am exhausted emotionally and spiritually and today I LOST IT. This Sunday is the memorial for Brian, our friend who was killed overseas. I had resigned myself to the fact that we couldn't go. But then I found out that Asher, the oldest son of some dear friends of ours, is getting baptized on Sunday. And just for a few minutes, I allowed myself to hope. I thought "Maybe, maybe we can work it out..."

It was Drew who brought me back to reality. Kindly, but still, reality hurts. I was furious, and he was the object of my wrath. I didn't say anything, but as I icily stormed around the house, he knew. I have lots of flaws, but it is rare for me to get really, really angry. All of the grief and pain I have been feeling being away from home finally exploded, first in a fit of anger, and then in extreme sadness. I stood at my kitchen sink washing dishes and bawling. More than anything, I want to be with my church family in Harrisonburg on Sunday. And it's just not possible. And as I stood at my sink crying as I haven't in a while, I looked and saw that this is just the beginning. We, most likely, have years ahead of us of missing things. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals, babies being born. And all the people we love are likely to miss significant events in our life. And today that just felt like too much to bear.

God has been leading us in the direction of overseas missions for a long time. We are excited to go, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. But as we move forward and life overseas becomes a real possibility, I am beginning to become aware of the cost. Today I felt not only the disappointment of not getting to be there for Asher and missing Brian's memorial, but also the gravity of a future life lived far away from family and friends.

As I think about Brian's family, the cost of my future does not seem so great. I know that they have told others that God is worthy of the precious gift of their son's life. He is also worthy of my moving far away from all I know and making my home in a different part of the world. He is worthy of me missing those sweet moments with my church family on Sunday so I can be in St. Louis with my husband preparing for school to start. My heart will probably still be heavy this weekend, but hopefully that will prompt me to prayer for sweet Asher and for everyone who is mourning Brian's death, especially his family.

And, for all who were wondering, yes, I did repent to Drew, and yes we made up:) It is a good thing to have a gracious husband.

Another St. Louis Gem

As stated before, I am trying to appreciate and take advantage of all the cool things about St. Louis while I can. I should have a lot of opportunities this weekend when Suzanne visits. We will be checking out the Art Museum (free!) or the Botanical Gardens. But, what I really wanted to write about is St. Louis Restaurant Week. Throughout the course of the year, different areas in St. Louis (downtown, clayton, ect.) will have "Restaurant Week." During this week, really pricey, fancy restaurants in that part of the city offer $25 dollar tasting menus (usually 3-5 courses.) It is a pretty good deal and an opportunity to get a really nice meal for much less than you would usually pay. Anyway, Downtown Restaurant week is August 23-29, and Drew and I are psyched!

Loss and the Kingdom of God

I've been thinking recently about how loss (at least in this life) is part of life in God's Kingdom. He gives us such sweet friendships, deep love and affection for one another, but he also sends us out into the world. He does not call us to be comfortable in our relationships, but challenges us to pull others into the web of love and joy that we share with one another. It isn't always safe or easy to be part of God's kingdom coming on this earth. Often it is painful. But hope tells us a day is coming where there will be no more partings, no more goodbyes, no more loss.

We experienced loss in an unexpected way today when we found out an old friend was one of the 10 volunteers killed in overseas this week. You've probably heard the story on the news. We had lost touch in recent years, but he was a dear Christian brother and we have a lot of fond memories of him. Many of our VA friends were close to him and are reeling from the loss right now. He knew the risks involved but still chose to go, seeking to bring restoration, healing, and blessing to a very broken part of the world.

On days like today I am especially grateful that a day is coming when there will be no more mourning or sadness or death or pain. We will be together with God forever as part of his family. No more goodbyes. No more death. Only life and joy and beauty. All that is wrong will be made right, and death will be swallowed up by life. I long for that day.

Thinking of and praying especially for our friend's family, and for all who were touched by his life.

Music Camp, Part Two

Well, we may have created a monster. 13 little monsters to be specific. After playing their drum set, we taught the kids to raise their drumsticks in the air and shout "Thank you very much. Goodnight!" in what I think is supposed to be a British rock star accent. I really knew they were getting in touch with their inner rock stars when they kept demanding breaks during singing practice.

Musicians can be so temperamental.

Music Camp

Tonight kicked off a week long music camp that our church, Crossroads Presbyterian, puts on every year. I'm helping out with the camp as a group leader for the 7 and 8 year olds. Personally, I think "group leader" is the sweetest volunteer job, because you basically just get to hang out with kids the whole time and lead them from one station to the next. I've done lots of vbs type things before, but never a music camp. Tonight we learned about the Hammer Dulcimer (which is an awesome instrument, by the way,) played on drums made from large Lowe's buckets, and sang together as a choir. The kids loved it. My favorite moment was an interaction I had with one of my little charges, Morgan:

Morgan: "I like to sing sometimes when I'm alone. I get nervous when I sing in front of people....I was in a play."

Me: "Did you sing in your play?"

Morgan: "Yes. I had to kiss a baby doll and I got embarrassed."

Me: "And that is why you get nervous when you sing?"

Morgan: "Yes."

Me: "I bet you have a beautiful voice, though, and that it makes people happy when you sing."

Morgan: "I do have a beautiful voice. That's why I like to sing by myself. I always sound great when I sing by myself."

So true, Morgan. I also sound awesome when I sing by myself.

The Hills Are Alive....

On the whole, I would say that my experience living in St. Louis has only increased my loyalty to the great state of Virginia. I am convinced that the Shenandoah Valley is the best and most beautiful place to live in the United States. Some of that might have to do with the fact that so many people I love live there, but the mountains sure don't hurt. Being away has made me realize how much VA truly is home, relationally and geographically.

In spite of all this, St. Louis has its perks. One perk I had heard tell of before and experienced first hand this evening is The Muny. The Muny is an outdoor theater located in Forest Park (another perk- awesome park with a free zoo, among other things). They put on seven plays that run one week each every season. As you may have guessed from the title of my entry, tonight I went to see The Sound of Music. It was wonderful!! The leads all have been on Broadway, and they were incredible. If you get there early enough, there are free seats, or if you like to roll in right before the show, you can buy a $9.00 ticket and still get a pretty decent seat to a Broadway quality production. Sure beats paying $10.50 to go to the movies!

Let's Try This Again...

Clearly I am not great at this blogging thing. I forgot the name of my blog and did not know how to find it to post again, and then magically rediscovered it a few days ago. I am not very technologically inclined and if you read this then you are probably really committed to knowing what's going on with Drew and me, because I have not yet reached a level of sophistication to do anything snazzy like take pictures and post them (yes, in my world, that is snazzy). Sorry! Maybe when we have kids...

If you had told me when I posted a year ago where we would be today, I would have laughed in your face. So much has happened in a year! Drew is switching from the MDIV to a Master of Arts in Educational Ministries, which means that both of us will graduate in May of 2011. Crazy. When we arrived in St. Louis we expected to be here for four years, and it is wild to think we will be leaving so soon. We really have made some wonderful friends here, and we will be very sad to leave them in a little less than a year.

Once we graduate we hope to return to the Land of Milk and Honey (that glorious commonwealth that is Virginia) and start raising support to go overseas with World Harvest Mission. It may surprise some of you who we have not kept up with much that we are actually hoping to join a team in Camden Town, London. Camden Town is something of a hub for people on the fridges of mainstream society. I visited for a day the summer I lived in London, but to be honest I don't remember too much about it- except that the markets were really cool. Our hope is to go and live life with the people of Camden Town, build meaningful relationships there, participate in community life, and to be a blessing to them as a response to God's graciously blessing us in Christ and making us his very own children. We want to love people whom Christians often despise, hurt, and reject, and to share the gospel through both our words our lives. We have talked some with the Camden team leader and hope to meet him in person later this year. After that meeting we will probably try to plan a trip to Camden sometime in the Spring or early Summer. We are very excited about this possibility and trust that God will continue to lead us as we try to determine where we are called.

That kind of covers a big picture update. I will try to post more often with tidbits about our life here in STL...